July 03, 2008
How To Dry a Wet Cellar
1. Open the cellar doors so air can circulate.
2. Place a fan at the cellar's entrance.
3. Go away for a while.
4. Notice that it's raining.
5. Forget that the cellar doors are open.
6. Happen to walk by the cellar and see that it's now more or less flooded.
7. Curse softly.
Posted by teb at 11:55 AM | E-mail this
July 02, 2008
News
-- From Xinhua:
French television channel France 3 has announced the launch of an internal investigation with a view to determining how an unofficial video showing an out-of-place President Nicolas Sarkozy ended up on the Internet.
They will also work to return the French president to place.
-- From the LA Times:
Poll: Voters fear John McCain will follow George Bush's policies
McCain: I will follow George Bush's policies
-- From FOX News:
Survey Finds US Leads World in Substance Abuse
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Posted by teb at 01:35 PM | E-mail this
July 01, 2008
This is a true story
A fly is loose in the kitchen. It is dive-bombing me noisily – bzzt! – while I'm trying to work on the computer. Okay, I’m not really working. I’m aimlessly reading blogs. But still.
I attempt to get him -- it, whatever -- with a rolled-up copy of New York (which is, by the way, a surprisingly terrific magazine). No luck. So I grab a bottle of the citrus spray we use to clean the counter. When my tormentor alights on the faucet, I spray. The fly hesitates, seemingly stunned, then takes off.
The next time the fly zooms past, I notice something: he is completely silent. The bzzt is gone. The fly has not been killed, only lubricated.
Posted by teb at 03:55 PM | E-mail this
June 30, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Watch Henry terrorize pigeons.
Chase fly with rolled-up magazine. Trip over toy truck.
Spend the most ever filling up gas tank: $58. Start bike shopping.
Decide to clean out gutters now that plants are growing there.
Drink sweet tea at Smithsonian Folklife Festival's "Texas" exhibit. Ah, culture.
Posted by teb at 09:42 AM | E-mail this
June 27, 2008
Actual conversation between me and the salad place guy
Me: What's in the Autumn Harvest salad?
SPG: Yes.
Me: No. What's in it?
SPG: You want?
Me: I want to know the ingredients. Does it have chicken?
SPG: You want chicken?
Me: I don't want chicken.
SPG: Autumn Harvest, no chicken?
Me: Right, but what else is in it?
SPG: Yes.
Me:
SPG: You want?
Me: Fine.
SPG: Autumn Harvest!
Posted by teb at 05:41 PM | E-mail this
June 26, 2008
Three brief book reviews
You'll Soon Grow Into Them, Titch by Pat Hutchins
Young Titch needs new clothes. His older brother and sister offer him their old clothes, but they're too big. Titch -- who apparently has nothing else to wear -- puts them on anyway and is humiliated. Eventually, Titch's negligent parents realize that it is their responsibility to clothe all of their children properly, not just the older two. The kicker: When Titch's baby brother is born, he offers the infant his pants. In other words, he has learned nothing.
The Dynamic Dumper Truck by Anonymous
Here we have the saga of a heavy-equipment operator named Bill. We watch Bill drive his truck around a construction site. We see men mixing concrete, men pouring concrete and men looking at plans for a new building. Extraneous detail ("It carries loads backwards and forwards") is included, presumably, to add drama, but succeeds only in bogging down an already-leaden tale. At the end, the narrator asks if the reader can remember all the things Bill did today. Here's a question: Why would you want to?
The Little Red Wagon by Anonymous
Bendon bear notices that Billy Jo bunny's wagon is broken. Bendon offers to fix it and Billy Jo accepts his offer. Later, despite Bendon's warning, Billy Jo overloads the wagon and breaks one of its wheels. Again, Bendon fixes it. The moral of the story: Helping others will get you nowhere.
Posted by teb at 02:10 PM | E-mail this
June 25, 2008
CONSUMER E-MAIL: York Peppermint Patties
Dear York Peppermint Patties,
First of all, let me say how much I love your patties. No other combination of sugar, corn syrup and semi-sweet chocolate even comes close. Mm-hmm!
Anyway. I did wonder where the name York came from. Perhaps there is an interesting story behind it (it doesn't have to be interesting--no pressure).
BE SENSATIONAL!
all the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Posted by teb at 10:04 AM | E-mail this
June 24, 2008
News
-- From The Associated Press:
17 Pregnancies a 'Coincidence," Says Teen Mom
We just all happened to be incredibly stupid at the same time, she explained.
-- From The Atlanta Journal-Constitution:
Rhetorical gimmicks no substitute for oil exploration
Actually, wind power is promising.
-- From Bizjournals.com:
US Sugar reportedly selling 185000 acres to help Everglades
Sweet.
Posted by teb at 10:18 AM | E-mail this
June 23, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Visit Value Village. Which is neither valuable nor a village.
Be awakened in middle of night by revving motorcycles. Have Old Man Bartlett reaction (damn kids today, etc).
Shilly-shally
Make late-night run to Chik-Fil-A. Feel dirty.
Have odd conversation with stranger who, upon seeing Henry, says "Hey, I sure like to see reproduction in action." Umm ...
Posted by teb at 11:34 AM | E-mail this
June 20, 2008
PROs and CONS: Meetings
Pros:
-- Informative
-- Exciting
-- Fun
Cons:
-- Not long enough
-- Not frequent enough
-- Not sufficiently painful
Posted by teb at 10:05 AM | E-mail this
June 19, 2008
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led sweet, sour people to this arrogant, amoral blog
-- “has tucker carlson ever done anything worthwhile”
getting cancelled was a start.
-- “william wordsworth/literally techniques”
Welcome, business majors.
-- “tom bartlette”
it’s the feminine me.
-- “markie post see thru”
She’s translucent now?
-- “tips writing with a baby”
-- “steve doocy shirtless”
Please no.
-- “Sorry”
That’s okay.
Posted by teb at 02:12 PM | E-mail this
June 18, 2008
Thoughts on the traditional bubble wand vs. the "Gazillion Bubbles" brand wand. This entry features multiple parenthetical clarifications and ends with an extremely cheap joke
First, a few facts. The traditional bubble wand has a single bubble opening, whereas the “Gazillion Bubbles” brand wand has many bubble openings (I guess “opening” is the right word. “Bubble hole” sounds weird). In theory, I guess, bubbles are good – why else would you purchase a wand? – and therefore more bubbles are better. But there is something unsatisfying about the Gazillion Bubbles wand. There are just too many bubbles. It’s overwhelming. Plus, part of the fun of the traditional bubble wand (at least for me) is the possibility of failure, i.e., sometimes no bubble is produced. With Gazillion Bubbles, you always get at least a few bubbles, often many more than a few (though not what I would deem a “gazillion”). Oddly, the sheer quantity of bubbles diminishes the quality of the experience. In other words, it blows.
Posted by teb at 12:53 PM | E-mail this
June 17, 2008
News
-- From ABC News:
Sen. Barack Obama has emerged from his bruising battle for the Democratic presidential nomination with only a six point lead over Sen. John McCain and claiming his Republican rival has been getting a "pass" from the media.
Or, to put it another way: 46-year-old African American freshman senator is already SIX POINTS ahead of one of the most famous politicians and war heroes of our time – and the race has barely even begun.
-- From MarketWatch:
Chiquita seeks to calm investors
Confidence has slipped as company loses appeal.
-- From the LA Times:
Gay marriages begin as California ruling takes effect
Society instantly collapses.
Posted by teb at 12:23 PM | E-mail this
June 16, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Ride steam train. Henry’s assessment: “Train! Big noise!”
Watch golf on high-def TV. Clearer and somehow even duller.
Snooze.
Feel excited by two-dollar-off toothpaste coupon. Resolve to lead more exciting life.
Clean cat hair from stair rug using small blade. Same as above.
Posted by teb at 01:13 PM | E-mail this
June 13, 2008
A Report From Toddler Music Class, pt. II
-- The teacher played her recently repaired guitar, which had been knocked over by a parent in another class. "It's never the kids," she said. "They're careful."
-- The parachute was brought out again to general acclaim.
-- After eagerly receiving a hand stamp from the teacher, a two-year-old immediately began licking it off.
-- An 11-month-old was clocked by an errant rubber ball. Seemed to recover quickly.
-- During the quiet time, when everyone is supposed to lie down and sing softly, Henry took center stage and demonstrated his funky, slow-groove moves.
Posted by teb at 10:29 AM | E-mail this
June 11, 2008
A brief, true story followed by a bad idea
Yesterday, I bought an air conditioner. As I was checking out, it began to rain. I decided to run to my car while holding the air conditioner, rather than pushing it in a cart, because this seemed faster. I also put my keys in my mouth. So I’m running across the parking lot, holding an air conditioner, my keys in my mouth, when I think: This should be an Olympic sport. It’s got everything – speed, coordination, timing. You’d lose points if your keys fell out of your mouth. If competitors tripped, they’d be disqualified. And so on.
It's as least as good as the one where you ski a long way and then shoot something.
Posted by teb at 02:05 PM | E-mail this
June 10, 2008
News
-- From The Boston Globe:
Elizabeth Edwards to have Obama's ear
[insert big-ear joke here]
-- From The Hickory Daily Record:
Obama pushes plan
In other news: Obama stating opinions
-- From Marketwatch:
So, it's no surprise that when the fallout from the subprime mortgage mess made the securities built from those toxic loans start wrecking balance sheets across Wall Street, Dick Fuld zigged when everyone else zagged.
That sounds dirty somehow.
Posted by teb at 10:59 AM | E-mail this
June 09, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Visit National Building Museum day after Clinton's concession. See workers carrying away "Hillary: We've Got Your Back!" posters.
Install window air-conditioning units. Wish they would invent some kind of, I don't know, "central" system.
Nap on floor, where it's cool.
Notice that Henry has added the word "now" to his favorite phrase: "Have it."
Melt.
Posted by teb at 10:40 AM | E-mail this
